Jackson

I lost a very close friend and son.  Give me some time and I will be here with a tribute to his awesomeness.

The Day the Soy Spilled

Another good day other than a few frustrating moments mostly revolving around H and meal time.  I am trying hard to not let it get to me but it makes me constantly feel like a bad mom that I can't get my baby to eat.  But that is very extreme.  There are times that she will eat...some.  And, everything I have read, heard and according to the pediatrician, I am to keep offering and keep offering.  Eventually she will eat.  I am actually very sure this is true and I keep that in mind (as well as knowing that i am not the only mom going through this) when I am cooking a ton of different foods only to find it being thrown on the floor or spit out onto the bib.  Hmmm, maybe it's my cooking!  Haha!

But H and I had a great, laid back day.  T had to head to LA for some business so we just hung out - she slept on me the second hour of her nap.  I really feel she is cutting molars.  When she is cutting teeth, she is much more likely to sleep on me for comfort.  And I have heard molars are the biatches of the cutting teeth world.  The only thing about her sleeping on me that second hour is that it kept me from my chores.  I am trying to get the house ready for my Mom's visit and those two hours in the day are all I really have to shower and do chores.  It definitely cut me short.  But I really did enjoy the cuddle time.

Ha nd I took a walk up and down the street - with her walking while holding my hand.  She felt like such a big girl!!  She had so much fun looking around, walking up to things...it was awesome.

The only bummer of the day - which really wasn't that big of a deal - was my clutziness spilling a 6 oz bottle of soy formula and water.  The big bummer is that I only have a scoop or two left for the night until the grocery tomorrow.  But it will all be fine.  It always is!  =]

I don't feel very creative and I think we are all caught up now.  I am going to hop off here and watch a train wreck - Intervention.  Wow.  Sure makes ya feel better about life!

The Dust Has Cleared!

It never ceases to amaze me the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings.  Where yesterday I was frustrated and creating jars for potential future drama, today I had the most amazing, low-key day with my family.  Not only was I super domestic and made a home cooked meal, I also made Brownies (ok, from a box but WITH added chocolate chips)!  T's gifts are wrapped for his birthday tomorrow and I am actually pretty caught up with laundry.  What a day!

And what a day it was with the WIND!  The tumbleweeds were HUGE!  There were people running in the field behind our house chasing them around - ummm, I guess that is desert fun!  I was hoping for a good rain storm and, even though I could smell it around us, we got nothing.

Speaking of nothing...there is nothing in either jar!  It was just too good of a day to spend a dime!

Tomorrow I will be Skyping with my Mom's side of the family.  They are having a 90th birthday party for my Grandma.  I feel so incredibly lucky that I have all four of my Grandparents still living.  And, for the most part, living very well...especially for 90! 

My Mom is making a trip out here next week while T is out of town.  She had some days to use and I could use the help with H.  I may even get a few hours to get my nails done or go shopping for some fat pants.  I haven't been to the gym for so long (going off on a tangent) because of all the sickness between H and I.  I am hoping that she and I will both be in great shape to go back the week after my Mom is here.  I'm more than ready!

Tomorrow is T's birthday.  He has a small honey-do list for the morning...we need to bring the RV here so that we can FINALLY unload from our Louisville trip!!  I also have clean linens and dishes to return to the RV that are currently finding residence in the guest room.  I want to get the wrapping paper cart that I bought set up so that I can get that organized - the guest room is also the temporary housing for that!  Here is what I bought...



I just love organizing things...I just have a hard time finding the time to do it!

Well, the night isn't so young - nor am I...I think I will head off here, watch a little Labrynth with the fam and then head to bed.  Biscuits, sausage and gravy for the birthday boy tomorrow and dinner with family at a yummy Mexican restaurant tomorrow afternoon.  Should be another jar-less day!

The Jar...and the Story Behind It (or in it)

I remember when I was a little girl...my Mom would be in her nice suit (albeit the 70s style), pantyhose, heels with her briefcase and her plane ticket.  She was a jet setter.  A career woman.  I wanted to be that SOOOO bad.  And then, with a college education in tow, I became that career woman.  One with HUGE aspirations of being an executive like my Mom had become (and still is today).  I wanted that so bad I could taste it!  And boy did I...especially when eating the dirt off the ground when being beaten down by the most ruthless of clients.  I always picked myself back up (maybe with a few choice words) and knew in my heart that this was just another step on that endless ladder to the big time.  Where I would have my name on the door and a stack of cards in my pocket.

I was there...I had my own business and had a very distinguished list of clients.  I had just left a great job where I was the senior production manager with huge responsibilities, an extensive travel schedule (and with it all the miles I racked up on Delta), and an endless supply of business cards.  I felt like I owned the world...well, when I wasn't crashed out in the seam of my project binder!

And then it happened...I started working for a company that had a fate for me I will never soon forget.  I worked for a couple of crooks that had a knack for starting businesses, hiring and firing people left and right and relied on mobile video cameras to keep track of their TWO employees that were wedged into an office the size of a closet.  These losers promised me the moon and fed me bull poop from the pasture.  I was far from the moon and I realized it just in time to get the hell out before things got worse.  The scary thing?  These crooks are still in business.  Well, in a different city!  When you embezzle money...well...you have to be a bit creative.

Sorry...I regress.

When I finally knew I had to get out of there, T and I had a serious conversation.  He suggested I become a stay at home...wife at the time.  I was very unsure of the idea but it didn't sound too bad.  At first.  I mean, I loved to clean (therapeutic) and I loved to cook.  And I always wanted to wear the dresses, heels and pearls that June Cleaver wore on Leave It To Beaver.  Hmmm..maybe I would give it a shot.

Not to mention that we were trying to "start a family" as they say...

Everything went great for the most part...until lately.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I know I am extremely lucky to be a stay at home Mom for H!  I know I am extremely lucky to have a hard working husband who has excelled to a position that allows us to live without too much stress (financially) and with fun toys to enjoy with the kids. We are definitely lucky and I should shut up right now and end this entry.

But there's more.

I am having a hard time with my new status as a stay at home Mom, short order cook, launderer. housekeeper, all night nanny, pet caretaker, etc.  I no longer have my name on a brass plate on my door, no business cards in my pocket, no reason to dress as a professional.  Instead my client won't talk to me in English, demands me every minute of the day (forget lunch breaks, vacation/sick days, etc), won't eat the food I make them, pisses on my hand and screams in my ear (but this is the most adorable, amazing client I have had).

I feel like I am not understood.  Like I am being unreasonable for asking for a couple of hours to get my nails done, to have me time.  I feel like I have lost my identity as the kick ass meeting/event planner/production manager.  Now I am wiping a snotty nose, changing a poo-poo filled diaper, running back and forth to comfort and trying to cook meals for EVERYONE.  Needless to say, I sometimes get overwhelmed, frustrated and, to be honest, a bit grumpy at times.

When this happens I tend to vent loudly.  The elevation of my voice is an indication of the level of irritation I am currently at.  I grew up with a couple of redneck step-brothers (no offense guys...not that you will read this) so I cuss like a sailor (just as I can drink like a fish - qualities to be proud of for sure).  All of this being said, I don't want to release my pent up anger/frustration/resentment in this way.  I don't want this to happen around Ms H. I tell you why...

My parents never yelled or verbally insulted me but I was exposed to it.  I won't say who in my family but I did visit one of my relatives quite often and she had a tendency of SCREAMING at her three kids ALL THE TIME!  I remember hating going over there because the tension, the screaming and the fighting would scare me so bad...I never really had fun.  I was always on guard.

That is not a good way to visit and it certainly is NOT a good way to live.  So I know I need to harness my chi, bury my resentment/anger/frustration and do the following:

1) Get back on Lexapro
2) The Jar

I made two jars - one downstairs and one upstairs.  Here are the rules:
- For every basic cuss word spoken (those that can be spoken on TBS) = $.50
- For every serious cuss word spoken (think HBo at night) = $1.00
- Anytime I say something derogatory to Ms H out of frustration (being a brat, etc.) = $2.00
- Any outburst of frustration, angry outcry, or plain yelling = $5.00

So, one of two things will happen.  I will be looking under cushions for that last $.50 OR I will think before I act/speak and will save the "allowance" allotted to me.  I am hoping for the latter.  Not to save my allowance money - that's just money.  But to save H from hearing me constantly complain, argue or be frustrated.

Important note: I must get my Lex refilled for this to help ME!  Right now, this plan is helping my fellow housemates.  I need peace within myself as well.

How about I leave you on a good and depressing note - now you will really see what has been resting on my shoulders in addition to the trying day to day...

I took my 14 year old dog to the vet today as a follow up to his failing kidney diagnosis.  T sugar coated it all for me so I wanted to hear what was REALLY going on from the doc.  She said that basically, he is an older dog and his kidneys are slowly failing him.  She doesn't know how much longer.  She did prescribe him special food to help process better in his body.  But there is nothing anyone can do - it is irreversible.  I am so sad about this.

I remember getting him as a puppy.  He "found" me.  Sat on my doorstep EVERYDAY for a week before I took him in (I worked a lot of hours and I had a cat...I also had a neighbor who loved animals and took care of Jack when I had to work).  I don't know why I named him Jackson...I really don't.  Guess I just liked the name.  But he got along with my cat just fine (she quickly explained the rules) and he has been an amazing friend for all of these years.  So many memories.

I don't want to go much further!  He is still with us ready to make more memories.  It has just been an emotional and difficult time lately. 

Thank you for listening...

By the way...that's TWO days in a row!!

Blowing the dust off...

November 29??  Really??  Where the h-e-double hockey sticks have I been??  A better question is...where haven't I been?  I even think I visited hell at some point but I can't be too sure and my memory is slacking. 

I guess I am going to have to do a recap but...with time being a precious jewel...I will need to make my recap "in a nutshell" of a very small nut.

December - T finally realized his dream of purchasing an RV.  We took it to Kentucky over the holidays to visit my family...that trip is a whole blog within itself.  I will try to find time to write the travel journal.  It was good, it was...less than good...but it was quite a trip! 

H turned ONE the day after Christmas!  I was so over the moon about her first birthday but sure was glad I made her smash cake instead of ordering one...she wasn't into it at all!  As a matter of fact, she hated getting icing on her hands. 

January - after the RV trip, seemed to be a month of sick.  This house turned into a medical ward with H and I both getting sick after catching it from Tay.  We were sick - with 102 degree temps - for two weeks!!  H unfortunately was able to experience her first ear infection.  But, after the intense hell we lived through before that, the ear infection came and went without incident. 

Then I think we passed a little back to Tay.  Then, over Super Bowl, H caught another cold that fueled her temp up again and has had her nose draining a bad leak and a cough that sounded like an 80 year old smoker.  She still has a bit of that left that we are waiting patiently to exit.

I guess the big moment in February has been the peak of my motherhood.  At the Bad Mother's Awards, I will be given top honors for my recent stunt.  I was at the park with Ms H, my sister-in-law and her daughter L.  We were leaving and were stepping over one of those rope barricade things...you know, one of those metal ropes that go between the metal poles that section off the park from the street.  Anyway, my foot caught the rope while I had H in my arms.  Then she wasn't in my arms.  She was on the asphalt.  The sound and the visual will be forever plastered in that area of my brain that harbors my guilt.  It was absolutely horrible.  A mix of slow motion (feeling my foot get caught and knowing I needed to keep my balance and get my foot loose) and fast, time lapse motion that keeps me from remembering how she fell or what happened next.

She had some road rash on her face that has already subsided (this was this past Monday...yep, Happy Valentine's Day to H!!) and she doesn't seem to resent or hate me as much as I imagined she would.  I still feel like a total loser but have been trying to make myself feel better each day.

Hmmm, I thought admitting to this horrible act would make me feel better but reliving it isn't helping one bit!

Moving on...

So here we are...three days away from T's 32nd birthday!  I am stoked about the gift I got him...I will tell you about it after his birthday in case, out of sheer boredom or spare time that he certainly doesn't have right now, he reads this entry.  It is SUCH a great gift and I am a very poor gift giver!  I have always wanted to get that "perfect" gift for someone and now is my time!

H is on a new sleep schedule.  Dinner at 5 (we all eat at the same time), 6 pm bath and 7 pm('ish) bed.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  Ms H is taking more steps all the time.  She is essentially walking...with reserve.  She could totally do it but, since she has a lot of my personality, she won't do it full time until she knows she has it perfected.  She really is proving to be more like my personality everyday.  Still looks like her Daddy!

Her vocabulary is amazing...let me see if I can list what she can say the correct way and then I will list what she can say in her own way...

Clearly and correctly:
That, This
Momma, Mommy
Dada, Daddy
No (that's a fun one)
Duck
Dog
Cat (still a little rusty but getting there)
Ball
Bye Bye
Hi
Baby
Bits (one of our cats)
Nite nite
Moon
Nose
Eye
Book
Blocks (a little rusty but way close)
Shoe
Bowl
Spoon
Ba-ba (bottle...and here I am trying to wean her...)
Ma-maw (grandma)
Pa-paw (grandpa)
Nona (another one of her grandmas)
Tay Tay (her big sister)
...I think that's everything but I feel like I am missing something...

In her own words:
I doo da (I love you)
Neene (Please...and she used to say pease...not sure what happened there)
Na-noo (thank you)
Di-mama (Dishwasher - she helps me unload)
Wa (water)

It is pretty amazing how quick she picks things up!  She can point out the Steelers logo when I ask her where the Steelers are!  She shakes her head yes when she means yes and she shakes her head no and says no.  She can tell you she is one and I almost have her telling me she will be two for her next birthday.  She has put two words together for a complete thought.  It is all very amazing.

We are still working on the sleep through the night and the eating solids issues.  She did fantastic tonight with dinner.  I will admit to my frustration of being a short order cook only to find my hard work thrown on the floor for Jack to eat.  Her bottle obsession is obvious and one that will be hard to wean from but I know we will get there.  Some days I feel like I am a strike out - a failure.  Other days I feel like everything will be just fine in good time.  And those are the days that I thoroughly enjoy every minute with my family.  That is where I need to stay.

Wow - typing is some hard work when you haven't done it in so long.  I think I am running out of steam but I am glad to be back.  I am considering merging H's blog with this one.  It is hard enough for me to keep up with one (obviously)...I honestly don't think I can keep up with two.

Ok, I will leave with this challenge for myself.  I will blog again tomorrow night after putting H to bed.  Just a nice recap of the day or some random deep thought that I muster up during the day.

I must say...it feels good to be here!