GAME DAY!!

STATUS: Dawna is ready for the big games today!!!  GO STEELERS!!!

MOOD: STOKED!!!

Here we go

Ready to roll

The game is on boys

Treat those Ravens like toys!!

Cold beer here

The crowd will cheer

Bring on the bar food

And amp up the good mood!

Terrible towel in hand

With the Steelers I stand

My shirt with the bling

And my beads on a string

I am ready to watch

The Ravens get squashed

Raise my towel in the air

And wave it like I just don't care!!

To all who don't care

Don't you despair

I will make a fool out of me

In your memory!!

Let's go

To Super Bowl

My Steelers, my loves

Put on the fightin' gloves!!!

Big Game Day EVE

STATUS: Sore, tired but looking forward to the rest of the weekend!

MOOD: Chilled

Shhhh...you hear that?  That is the sound of my name NOT being called a thousand times.  Yes, Tay has gone back to her Mom's after an exciting and fun weekend here at Dad's.  She does call my name excessively but I guess I should be very glad she wants me around...I know that will change as the teenage blood enters her veins.  

I ended up not going to Lorraine's today because it is so hard to fit in time doing other things when we have Tay.  I promised her that we would work on her scrapbook kit that "Santa" brought her for Christmas (not sure which Santa).  I knew that, if I went to visit Lorraine, I would be late getting home and I have always told Tay that I don't break promises.

I did hit the gym this morning at 8 am which means I have to leave the house by 7 am...which means that I have to be up by 6 or 6:30...IT IS STILL DARK, FOLKS!  But, as I was driving towards the highway, I realized that early mornings are very refreshing...a new start.  There was beautiful purples and pinks to my left as the sun was slowly rising to my right.  It definitely makes the early morning trek worthwhile.  Of course this isn't your first thought when you are lying in a warm bed when the alarm goes off at 6 am.

Of course, as I continue my journey into town, the sun finds that perfect place...right in my eyes. You know, that exact spot that a visor doesn't block and sunglasses don't help.  Perfect.  But I kept my positive energy and, after stopping at the Circle K on Grant (not sure why I felt it was imperative to be that specific...it's the road my gym is on) for - yes - iced tea, I headed on into the gym.  The girls and I ran three miles (well, sprinted, jogged and climbed hills).  We made our mark on some weight machines and threw down some abs.  The big finish was on the bike for 15 minutes on hills.  I feel that I have successfully built up my metabolism and muscle power to allow myself adult bevs tonight and cold frosty beers with a side of bar food while we watch the BIG games tomorrow!!!

That's right, we are heading to the Famous Sams on the other side of the world from where we live just because it is a Steelers bar!  I hear that it is just crazy full with Steeler fans so whether we win or lose (and we know the former will be true), I will be in the BEST company possible!!  Amber is going to go with Todd and I.  We are also going to make a stop at Lorraine's to see her before the big hour of power!!

On the way home from the gym today, I received a call from someone wondering if our TV was still for sale.  Let me explain.  Between Todd and I we have acquired a lot of STUFF.  We finally decided to sell what we could on Craigs List and at least make some money on our junk.  It is working!  The first day we posted our items, we sold a modem THAT day!  Today this lady called asking about our TV.  I told her it was still for sale and she asked if they could come look at it...today.  Umm, sure...

So they get here at 2 this afternoon to take a look at the TV.  Now, this could definitely be a skit on some comedy channel.  This couple was so sweet and looked like a couple that you would actually find in Hazard, Kentucky (nothing wrong with that or anything - don't want to get beat up).  Very country folks from Idaho (haha-I know that sounds crazy).  They've lived in AZ for 22 years, have a whole pack of grandkids ranging from 2 yrs to 21 yrs, June is a care giver, Jed (actually, I can't remember his name) is...I don't know...he talked to Todd.  Regardless, they were very interested in our 27" flat screen (not flat PANEL) box TV.  June informed me that their TV is even smaller, could I believe that??  Umm, yeah.  I can.  Anyway, $100 bucks later the TV was sold and we threw in the TV stand to boot.  Well, while we were standing there talking, they were asking how long we have been selling on Craigs List.  We informed them that this was a very new thing for us.  They asked if we had anything else on Craigs List.  Well, it just so happened that we had a drill posted...and it was right behind where "Jed" was standing.  His eyes lit up and, after Todd plugged it in, the two of them revved it up several times like they were taking a test drive in a new corvette.

Jed was interested and I didn't want the moment to pass so I ran in to grab the cheat sheet Todd made so that I could let him know the cost.  $35 and the drill is yours.  I guess there was some negotiation and, when it was all said and done, the drill found a new home for $30.  So, in a matter of a half hour, we were waving a good southern bye-bye to our new friends, Todd's 5 year old TV and some random drill and saying hello to a potential extra fridge in the garage (which is what we are putting the money towards).  Now THAT is a productive day!

Other than taking Jackson for a walk and working on the scrapbook kit, we didn't do a whole lot after our profitable visit.  Todd and Tay helped me clean up her room (again, thank you prize bucket) and then headed out around 4.  I did my usual mad dash of vacuuming the house (up and down), cleaning the kitchen, lighting candles and starting up the music.  I think Todd really enjoys coming home to a clean house, music playing, etc.  Leads right into our inhouse date night.  All he has to worry about is which wine he would like tonight.

Jazzy is doing GREAT!  She is not confined to the bedroom anymore and does wander free throughout.  She is much steadier and eating great.  I cannot begin to tell you how relieved I am that she is coming out of it.  I called the vet on Friday because I hadn't heard about the final results from her tests.  The nurse said she couldn't read me the results, the specialist has to (it's like a freaking union or something), and of course he doesn't work on Fridays.  No surprise there.  So I guess I will get the final results on Monday.  Once I do, I am going to talk to our usual vet to find out what I should do from now on.  Honestly, I feel like Jazz went through more tests than she actually needed - but how was I to know?

I haven't really thought about all my old woes today.  That's an accomplishment all within itself.  I do know that, thanks to all the practice with Tay, I definitely know what to expect out of parenthood...I may blow a gasket at times but I know I will be ok with it all.  I also know what I will change to discipline ours.  That's if it all happens anyway.

That's all for now.  Todd should be home anytime with more ice and diet coke (getting ready for my evening bev).  I am marinating steak for Todd which we will put with rosemary mashed potatoes, green beans and salad...wait, I am out of salad fixins.  Ok, no salad.

Happy weekend!  Tomorrow is a big day!  Go Steelers!  And can you believe Arizona is still in too?  CRAZY!!  Do know that, this time tomorrow, I will be making a crazy fool out of myself in the company of other fools like me!

HEY, BY THE WAY...

Become one of my followers (I am trying to start a new religion with my blog...kidding!). As a follower, I believe you will know when I post something new or something...you will always be my greatest fan (haha)! Look to the left RIGHT NOW! There is a place that says something about becoming a follower - it is above the pics of my current followers. Please join. I would love the support. Or just the thought that I am THAT cool! Haha!

xoxo

Living Life...

STATUS: Finding my inner child
MOOD: Fatigued and fascinated

Ahhh, what a day. Spend it with a 4 year old and you can see how we create electricity for the entire Earth population. My gosh that girl has some intense energy. It really never falters and, when it does, it happens spontaneously and instantly.

Today Todd had to get some work done so it was Tatum and I together trying to make the day go by. We started by her helping me make pancakes (the best batch so far, I might add, after I found the extended directions on the Bisquick box). She had hers with butter and sprinkles that she picked out. And we made some for Daddy who was already hard at work by the time the cakes were done.

Then we watched a little cartoon action - well, she did - I did a load of laundry, did my usual cleaning of the kitchen, made our bed and her bed and did some other quick things around the house while her eyes were mesmerized by the animations on the boob tube.

I promised her I would play doctor kit with her - thanks Mom (haha, no really, one of her favorite gifts but one that I wish would have melted on the way to Tucson...I am always the patient getting my limbs cut off and getting Hello Kitty bandaids stuck to me). But not before I showered and she bathed. I wanted us to be good and ready for our big field trip to go roller skating. So that's what we did and YES, I played doctor kit.

After Todd had some challenging moments at work as well as with the shelves we bought for the office, we all packed up and headed to the skating rink....which is WELLLLL across town!!! I mean, an hour away. We were already running late but I really needed an iced tea from Circle K (we were out of ice thanks to our defunct ice maker and I was dying for some caffeine...I mean DYING). And, anytime we hit the Circle K with Tay in the car, I always get her a Yoohoo! I am the first to introduce her to my childhood drink...and I am proud of it. I have learned that the Yoohoo bottle is not kid friendly in the car. I used to have to BUY empty plastic cups with lids until I wised up...I now bring a sippy cup with me. SCORE!

We got to the skating rink and you would have thought that I turned 10 again overnight (I know I don't act far from it). I instantly had a flashback to skating parties for school and for birthdays. I instantly remembered my white rollerskates. It was like it was yesterday...until I put the skates on...whoa!! I used to be able to do this?

Actually, it wasn't so bad. I could still skate quite well backwards (I was always better backwards than forwards - go figure) and I could still wrap one leg over the other when making a turn! Wow! Now all I need is that awkward grade school kiss and I would be back there again! Well, Todd and I did give each other a peck which was kinda awkward since we were on the practice rink with a bunch of kids. Not to mention I was showing off with my backward skate MOVES!!!

Tatum did really well and, if I weren't the loser who left the camera at home, I would share the coolness with you. We were teaching her to lean forward, bend your knees, step-step-glide. She did really well after a couple of tough blows to the bottom!! We went around the "big people" rink many, many times and we all had a blast. Tay's legs and feet were sometimes reminiscent of a new born fawn trying to stand...and we were on the sides trying to avoid being tripped, but there were even more times were we really went fast around the corners and showed all the other little kids UP!!

It all reminded me of one of my birthdays at a skating rink - I don't know which one (no, not my 37th) - when I was skating with my Dad and Papa around the rink. Papa (and if you know him you would completely understand) was full of energy and was skating like a speed skater in the Olympics. Dad was next to him and I was on the outside being whipped around like a stuffed animal!! It was so much fun!!...until we were kicked off the floor for a bit. Haha! Such fond memories.

We skated for about an hour and a half which was just about right. This 37 year old felt the muscle spasms in her back from backwards skating while Tay was skating forwards holding onto me. Just keeping her up while keeping my balance really worked those back muscles...and butt...and legs...and arms...well, everything. By the time we left, Todd and I were sweating like we had worked out at the gym for hours and Tay was talking up a storm wanting to play games in the car and talk to us about everything under the sun...she is really smart by the way! It is so interesting talking to her.

We had to stop on the way home to pick up the fixin's for pizza and chocolate chip cookies (no one said this was going to be a healthy weekend). By the time we sat in traffic for an hour on the freeway and made our stop at Fry's, Tay was - what I call - official "out". This is when the head is tilted in some contortionist form with mouth wide open and hair strewn all over the face...sometimes with heavy breathing...sometimes not. But she was definitely "officially" out!

I headed into the store and got the essentials for pizza including some yummy Dos Equis Amber for the grown ups who will be hurting tomorrow from their skating awesome-ness today.

When we got home, I started on the pizza. And the drama began. I asked Tay what she wanted on her pizza and she said "nothing". I said "sauce and cheese?" She said "nothing". So I said, "you just want crust?" And she wouldn't answer...so crust it was...raw. I didn't know how to read her mind (I know those of you with kids are nodding your heads and giggling under your breath...NOT NICE). So she took her crust, sat it on the floor in front of the TV, then came in to talk to me. Any of you have dogs??? Yep, we have told her more than a thousand times to NOT leave her food lying were Jack can get it...he got it...and I started to lose it. Mostly because I was tired but also because we go through this ALL the time.

When I gained my composure (she didn't even know I lost it), I made her left over mac and cheese and a handful of frozen peas. Yes, the child LOVES frozen peas. Not cooked, folks. Straight out of the bag from the freezer. Hey, who am I to argue, as long as the girl eats some green!

Then I made some cookies and watched her play a new video game that Nona (Todd's Mom) gave her for Christmas. It is really cool and she picked it up in no time. She is sooo smart!! She played that all the way up to bed time and here we are. She just went to bed, Todd is on the Mac, and I am on the PC filling you in.

Now, I want to say thank you to those of you who have emailed and commented me. You have no idea how much it means to me. It really give me encouragement and hope. I had a great texting conversation with Linda (Todd's SMom who is an OB nurse) today. She texted to check in and I was asking her about when we would TTC (try to conceive) again. She said that her office says three cycles but that there is no medical data saying that you can't try after your first cycle. She says that they suggest 3 cycles more to heal the heart than the uterus. So that kinda gave me a light. She also said that AF (ok, acronyms to know...this means Aunt Flo...yes, the very aunt that you either love or hate depending on your situation) should knock on my door in about 4 weeks from my m/c. I studied the calendar and that would mean either the end of the this month or the beginning of the next. I consider myself agnostic when it comes to religion so I am not much on prayer. However, I am not much on the lottery either but, if you play and win then what the heck. I guess what I am saying is, if prayer is your belief and you want to shoot one up for me, I would much appreciate it. Otherwise, positive thoughts, sticky baby dust or fingers crossed would be GREAT and I would owe you HUGE!

I am actually looking forward to tomorrow. I have a gym meeting with my awesome gym pal Amber at 8 AM. I am going to work out until 9, take a shower at the gym then head to Lorraine's for a visit. Then home to hang with Tay for a couple of hours before she leaves and then get the house ready for an in-house date night with T. I am planning on marinating a steak for him, making his fave rosemary red potatoes, a broccoli side dish as well as a HUGE salad! Adult bevs may be on the menu as well as some good convo and a possible cigar for him!

Well, my fingers are feeling like my whacked out back and my screaming inner thighs so I will sign out. Thanks to all of you for being my friends and family...I don't know what I would do without you.

Look out tomorrow! I am starting to find my peace!

Oh and...status/mood

So, every morning on MySpace there is a place where you can put in your status (at home, going out today, wishing 2009 would shape up, etc.) and your mood (happy, grumpy, hungry, frustrated, tired of whining). So, I am going to add this to my blog everyday. I forgot to do it on the entry this morning. So here it is:

Dawna is glad she got a song stuck in her head.
Mood: Chilled

Two entries in one day! Woo hoo!

Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs

Why is that? What part of the brain makes that happen? Every morning when I wake up, without fail, I have a song stuck in my head. And usually they are random songs like from the 80's or something I haven't heard since I had a boom box with bumper stickers on it (ahh, those were the days).

Song Du Jour: "Everything's Alright" from Jesus Christ Superstar (talk about random!!)

So this song is sung between Mary Magdalene, Jesus and Judas. Mary is washing or massaging Jesus' feet (I'm not sure what but I know she is using ointment). She is telling Jesus to just let it go tonight. Don't stress about everyone else and just enjoy some pampering. Of course, this leads to all sorts of controversy in the Christian world, I'm sure. But I am not going to get on my soap box about Christianity right now.

Anyway, at one point Judas becomes upset that Jesus is having his feet massaged by Mary. I think it is more jealousy because no one was touching his feet. But he says/sings:

Woman your fine ointment, brand new and expensive Should have been saved for the poor. Why has it been wasted? We could have raised maybe Three hundred silver pieces or more. People who are hungry, people who are starving They matter more than your feet and hair!

Then Jesus responds:

Surely you're not saying we have the resources To save the poor from their lot? There will be poor always, pathetically struggling. Look at the good things you've got.

It goes on for what seems like days but this is the part that was stuck in my head. Actually the Jesus lines (and some of Mary's repeating of "try not to get worried, try not to turn on to problems that upset you, oh you know everything's alright..."

So, as I am humming this and starting to pull my hair hearing the lyrics over and over in my head, I realize that it is a sign...sign number 1. Mostly that I need to get over things I can't control and see the good things I got. Hmmm, that's profound. During my entire morning process of taking care of the fuzzy kiddos, taking out the garbage, making tea and emptying the dishwasher, I kept thinking of that song...of those words. So I started to think of the list of good things I "got" and decided that I would jump on my blog and write them down.

Once I started up my computer, I noticed that I received some messages from family and friends. One from my Dad that essentially said the same thing...look at what you have, the people who love you. Sign number 2.

Yes, I have a lot to be thankful for and it is time to make that list:

• Obviously, my friends and family that I love so much and who loves me
• My awesome husband who is ALWAYS by my side no matter what - he know me so well and still puts up with me
• Our financial situation, especially in this difficult economical time. We are very fortunate to not have debt, to live within our means and still be able to enjoy a few finer things in life
• Adding on to the above, I am fortunate that I was able to leave an abusive job and become a "domestic engineer" which I enjoy very much. When/if I am ready to start working again, I can do so in my own time and find the perfect opportunity for me
• And, adding on to that, when we do have a baby (yes, I said 'when' because I am in a positive frame of mind right now, I will be able to stay home and take care of the baby. No juggling with work demands, no daycare, etc.
• I have very awesome fuzzy babies that I love very much - and Jazzy was very alert and awake this morning ready to explore. She is definitely getting better everyday
• I have a wonderful and beautiful step daughter that I have a great relationship with - although I know things will change as teenage years roll around, I will always feel lucky to have her and to have seen her grow up
• I am healthy and fit, addicted to the gym and feel really good about how my body feels. This is very important because I want to be at my absolute "fittest" before being pregnant with my "sticky" baby.
• Although I still wish I were pregnant and promise next time I won't grump about not being able to have beer when I want, at the moment I am not pregnant so I can have beers while watching the Steelers play in the playoffs this weekend.
• We have a nice house that is very clean (I clean obsessively when I am down) and is in the process of becoming more organized. We have an awesome desert backyard that we are very proud of.
• My husband has a fantastic job and continue to move up in the ranks at a very pretigious company. He is able to travel and will be going international this year. I am so proud of him.
• I have nice bling - oh, that's so material...but it is pretty. =]

I know there is a lot more that I could add to this list but those were the first to come to mind. I don't have the pregnancy that I want and others do but they don't have what I have either. And my list is pretty large. So I should hold my head high and be proud of where I am in life. When I do have a baby, I will appreciate it soooo much more than if I never had the miscarriage. It is now something I know for sure I want and that I am ready for - the miscarriage taught me that. In a morbid sort of way, I feel that the m/c has really taught me a life lesson that, unless you experience it, you will NEVER know. I guess I should add that to my list as well.

I am also lucky that I already know what a great Dad Todd would be - he already is one. And I know that we will be financially secure and that we will both be home with the baby as they are growing up. All of this should be on my list too.

Yes, I am getting old. I am no young 20-something spring pup. But I really enjoyed my 20's and learned who I was without being in a serious relationship. I enjoyed my friends, travelled, experienced life. And now, in my 30's (ok, late 30's), I feel like I am at a great maturity level (be nice) with many life experiences that will help me raise a well rounded and grounded child.

This is how I feel at the moment. I can't say that, the next time I see a pregnant lady walking through Walmart (that's almost a prerequisite) I won't tear up a little. But this is a great start. A road to recovery. Jazzy and I are on it together. I am ready to feel better just like she is. I am ready to roam the halls with my head held high and feeling balanced - just like she is. Everyday seems to get me closer to that goal. Many thanks to my friends and family for helping to hold me up.

Today's mission, if I choose to accept it, is to do a little research on gardening. I am really excited to start my garden this year. That will definitely help occupy my mind. I am also going to the gym this evening. This will probably be my last work out with Amber for a while. That's very sad. She is such a driving force for me at the gym. We really push each other hard. "Friendly" competition! I think I will be switching to mornings for a while after this week. With no Lorraine or Amber, I think I will just get there early, push myself as hard as they would and then have the rest of the day to do what I need to do.

Tonight we get Tatum. This is the start of our new visitation. We will be getting her Thursday night through Saturday evening. One additional night. That's a start. Time goes by pretty quick having her around so that will be a nice diversion from life as well. Or a diversion in life, maybe. We are planning on going roller skating tomorrow - she is so excited....and, yes, I am too! I haven't roller skated since I was in grade school and I don't want to tell you how long ago that was (you can figure it out).

Now if I can just stay balanced...

Keep your hands and legs in the car at all times...

...while riding this ride!!

Well, I am back and ready to blog. I must warn you that my blog has taken a turn to cruel reality and it may not be pretty all the time. Kind of like me...I can throw a lot of makeup on my face, take an hour on my hair and put on an expensive outfit but that doesn't make me beautiful. Same with the blog. I will try and keep my harsh comments to myself but I promise the entries will be real...and that could be scary to some. Those who dig that kind of writing...ENJOY.

Well, let's catch us all up with the ride we call life. I warn you, this ride is for the strong stomached!

Towards the end of 2008, while we were celebrating the change of the tides with a new president elect and while Todd and I were still glowing from our incredible Australia trip, other life changing experiences were taking place in the dark..of me!

Yep, crazy as it may be...this 36 (at the time) year old woman who never wanted children was pregnant. At first it was surreal. I couldn't believe the chances of getting pregnant so quick after "trying" (I swear I hate that term but have nothing else to use at this time). I won't go into a lot of details about the symptoms leading up to the positive pregnancy test and I will probably not go into much detail regarding the excitement of telling Todd and the boyish grin and exciting glow that he displayed upon finding out. You get the idea.

I went from being really excited to being really scared to then being really ticked because I couldn't eat, drink or do what I had always done before carrying around this new entity. I will always feel guilty about feeling that way. The guilt consumes me sometimes. If I could have only been happy with what I had instead of being the spoiled brat I am. But, no use in dwelling on this right now. That could be an entire post in itself.

After Christmas, as we were traveling to Louisville, I started finding that I was allowing myself to be excited about the future. The apple seed, as Todd and I kept calling it (I was about 5 weeks and that is the size of it at that time), was becoming a reality to me and I found that I was becoming more accepting of the idea. So much so that I would occassionally touch my belly (it looked the same as always) and I almost spit out the mouthful of Starbucks hot chocolate when Todd told me there was caffeine in chocolate (caffeine is a no-no...well, after multiple texts to Linda, I discovered that in small doses it is ok).

Fast forward, needless to say, my family was very excited and did some really cool, touching things to acknowledge the "soon to be." That made me feel more excitement and it kept building until the night at my Grandparents. Yes, of all places, my Grandparents. That's when I started bleeding. I won't get into details but I knew something was wrong. After a few texts to Linda and more blood, it was pretty evident that I was having a miscarriage.

We had to cancel some cool plans with my Dad and SMom. We headed to my Mom's after stopping at Walgreens to get "supplies" that I didn't think I would need for another 8 months. I cried all the way there. I was feeling emotions that I really never thought I would...of course, how would I know I would feel these things. I wasn't expecting to have a miscarriage.

That night IT happened. It was painful - both mentally and physically - but, after that night, it was residual bleeding for a total of one week...to the day. It seems that my body passed everything naturally which, under the circumstances, I suppose is a good thing. It keeps me from having to endure a D&C or a D&E. However, through a message board that I have clung to for sanity, many women have to go through them. I feel lucky that I didn't have to have that happen.

So the pain lingers longer than I realized. The emotions are similar to someone close to you dying unexpectedly - extreme sadness, uncontrollable tears, anger then resentment. I am in the final two emotions at this time (sometimes falling back into the first two in certain situations). The hardest part is that there are pregnant people around me. One in Todd's family. His SIL is pregnant and it has really been hard on me. I am angry and resentful. And I don't know how to get out of this cycle. I feel much better not being around them but I know we will have to be together at some point. I don't want to feel this way - but I do. I hate myself for feeling it - but, through that message board I was talking about before, I have learned I am not the only one. I have been keeping my distance. Even deciding to refrain from looking at MySpace everyday - that was getting way too hard. So we will see how my emotions go from here and it should be quite exciting to see how this ride ends...

Once we returned home from Louisville we faced our next hill on the ride of life. My cat, Jasmine, was having urinary issues and stopped eating and drinking. After many visits to the vets and to the animal hospital, they determined it "undetermined" or feline lower urinary tract disease. Of course, after spending many, many dollar signs, we were told it could be recurring and would be something she would just need to deal with from time to time. Ummm, thanks.

Then, after a day out to watch the Steelers play (and win), as well as some beers and greasy bar food, we headed home. I was actually starting to feel like a "real" person - whatever that is. When we got home, I went to take Jazzy some wet food and couldn't find her in the guest room where she was "resting". I finally found her under the bed. I couldn't have been more afraid. Her eyes were moving radically from left to right. She was bobbing her head and looked like she was having a seizure or stroke. I yelled for Todd and he came up, lifted the bed and I scooped her out. Here we go again to the animal hospital.

They ended up keeping her overnight. I couldn't sleep all night. I was so upset. All the emotions that I thought were subsided from the miscarriage filled my heart and my eyes. I swear I couldn't imagine losing the apple seed and then losing my girl. Talk about having children. I have had Jasmine for 13 years of my life. I cannot imagine not having her (and that goes for Jackson and Kizzy too).

Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep that night. She ALWAYS sleeps next to me in bed and there was an obvious void. I was upset and livid angry that, once again, the poop hand decided to land on me. This is where I knew for sure that I could NOT be around happy, bouncy people that had such happy, bouncy lives. It certainly was going to take a lot of time to get there too.

The next day the specialist called me to let me know what their diagnosis of Jazzy was. He was afraid it could be a severe inner ear infection or a tumor. He wanted to do a CT Scan, Spinal, X Rays, etc. This all meant that Jazzy was going to have to be put under anesthesia. That alone made me nervous.

After the testing, they woke her up and called me. No tumor and no inner ear infection. We are to wait for the spinal fluid results. I was able to bring her home at 8 that night. I was so glad. But it was so sad to see her when I picked her up. She was scared, disoriented and they had shaved a square on the back of her head, a long area on her right leg and another small spot on her left leg. I could tell the right leg was really irritating her. She had licked it red. Her head was bobbing a lot and you could tell she was still pretty out of it from the anesthesia. I just wrapped her in the towel they had put her in and held her close to me all the way home. She leaned into me and I could tell that she was happy to be going home - no matter how disoriented she was.

Since that time, she has been recouping in the master bedroom. Kizzy has become very strange around her - hissing, growling, etc. We don't know what's going on (he never does that). But, as for Jazzy, she is eating and drinking again. We actually heard her pee twice last night so that is a great road to recovery. The doctor did call yesterday and said that, initial results of the spinal fluid is that there is some "inflamation" that isn't normal. He said that they wanted to wait until the final results at the end of the week to determine more. That's fine with me. I am just more than happy to have my girl home, eating, drinking, peeing and cuddling with me at night. For now, we are keeping Kizzy out of the room while we sleep to keep everyone (including Kizzy) calm.

In the meantime, I am hitting the gym again. Lorraine, my trainer, recently sustained a head injury from falling off her horse (ahhh, 2009 at it again). And, my friend Amber has been put on a different schedule so we won't be working out together anymore (for a while at least). So - no Lorraine for a month because of her injury and no Amber because of work. I am not so much worried about losing my motivation - I am more motivated than ever because I want to be in awesome shape when Todd and I "try" (uuugghhh, hate that term) again - but it just shows the craziness going on right now. And I will definitely miss my friends.

How am I? Where am I on the ride at this time? Heading down a straight away waiting for the next loop or hill. So far, I am not sure I like this ride but it is the only one in the park. I am hoping for a better '09 than the way it started. I would say "it could only get better" but that isn't all together true. Anything can happen at any time on this ride. I guess I should just really appreciate this small straight away I am on before the next scare.

But I am back...and I am committed to post daily. Especially since I won't be wasting my time and emotional energy on MySpace anymore. See you tomorrow...