Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs

Why is that? What part of the brain makes that happen? Every morning when I wake up, without fail, I have a song stuck in my head. And usually they are random songs like from the 80's or something I haven't heard since I had a boom box with bumper stickers on it (ahh, those were the days).

Song Du Jour: "Everything's Alright" from Jesus Christ Superstar (talk about random!!)

So this song is sung between Mary Magdalene, Jesus and Judas. Mary is washing or massaging Jesus' feet (I'm not sure what but I know she is using ointment). She is telling Jesus to just let it go tonight. Don't stress about everyone else and just enjoy some pampering. Of course, this leads to all sorts of controversy in the Christian world, I'm sure. But I am not going to get on my soap box about Christianity right now.

Anyway, at one point Judas becomes upset that Jesus is having his feet massaged by Mary. I think it is more jealousy because no one was touching his feet. But he says/sings:

Woman your fine ointment, brand new and expensive Should have been saved for the poor. Why has it been wasted? We could have raised maybe Three hundred silver pieces or more. People who are hungry, people who are starving They matter more than your feet and hair!

Then Jesus responds:

Surely you're not saying we have the resources To save the poor from their lot? There will be poor always, pathetically struggling. Look at the good things you've got.

It goes on for what seems like days but this is the part that was stuck in my head. Actually the Jesus lines (and some of Mary's repeating of "try not to get worried, try not to turn on to problems that upset you, oh you know everything's alright..."

So, as I am humming this and starting to pull my hair hearing the lyrics over and over in my head, I realize that it is a sign...sign number 1. Mostly that I need to get over things I can't control and see the good things I got. Hmmm, that's profound. During my entire morning process of taking care of the fuzzy kiddos, taking out the garbage, making tea and emptying the dishwasher, I kept thinking of that song...of those words. So I started to think of the list of good things I "got" and decided that I would jump on my blog and write them down.

Once I started up my computer, I noticed that I received some messages from family and friends. One from my Dad that essentially said the same thing...look at what you have, the people who love you. Sign number 2.

Yes, I have a lot to be thankful for and it is time to make that list:

• Obviously, my friends and family that I love so much and who loves me
• My awesome husband who is ALWAYS by my side no matter what - he know me so well and still puts up with me
• Our financial situation, especially in this difficult economical time. We are very fortunate to not have debt, to live within our means and still be able to enjoy a few finer things in life
• Adding on to the above, I am fortunate that I was able to leave an abusive job and become a "domestic engineer" which I enjoy very much. When/if I am ready to start working again, I can do so in my own time and find the perfect opportunity for me
• And, adding on to that, when we do have a baby (yes, I said 'when' because I am in a positive frame of mind right now, I will be able to stay home and take care of the baby. No juggling with work demands, no daycare, etc.
• I have very awesome fuzzy babies that I love very much - and Jazzy was very alert and awake this morning ready to explore. She is definitely getting better everyday
• I have a wonderful and beautiful step daughter that I have a great relationship with - although I know things will change as teenage years roll around, I will always feel lucky to have her and to have seen her grow up
• I am healthy and fit, addicted to the gym and feel really good about how my body feels. This is very important because I want to be at my absolute "fittest" before being pregnant with my "sticky" baby.
• Although I still wish I were pregnant and promise next time I won't grump about not being able to have beer when I want, at the moment I am not pregnant so I can have beers while watching the Steelers play in the playoffs this weekend.
• We have a nice house that is very clean (I clean obsessively when I am down) and is in the process of becoming more organized. We have an awesome desert backyard that we are very proud of.
• My husband has a fantastic job and continue to move up in the ranks at a very pretigious company. He is able to travel and will be going international this year. I am so proud of him.
• I have nice bling - oh, that's so material...but it is pretty. =]

I know there is a lot more that I could add to this list but those were the first to come to mind. I don't have the pregnancy that I want and others do but they don't have what I have either. And my list is pretty large. So I should hold my head high and be proud of where I am in life. When I do have a baby, I will appreciate it soooo much more than if I never had the miscarriage. It is now something I know for sure I want and that I am ready for - the miscarriage taught me that. In a morbid sort of way, I feel that the m/c has really taught me a life lesson that, unless you experience it, you will NEVER know. I guess I should add that to my list as well.

I am also lucky that I already know what a great Dad Todd would be - he already is one. And I know that we will be financially secure and that we will both be home with the baby as they are growing up. All of this should be on my list too.

Yes, I am getting old. I am no young 20-something spring pup. But I really enjoyed my 20's and learned who I was without being in a serious relationship. I enjoyed my friends, travelled, experienced life. And now, in my 30's (ok, late 30's), I feel like I am at a great maturity level (be nice) with many life experiences that will help me raise a well rounded and grounded child.

This is how I feel at the moment. I can't say that, the next time I see a pregnant lady walking through Walmart (that's almost a prerequisite) I won't tear up a little. But this is a great start. A road to recovery. Jazzy and I are on it together. I am ready to feel better just like she is. I am ready to roam the halls with my head held high and feeling balanced - just like she is. Everyday seems to get me closer to that goal. Many thanks to my friends and family for helping to hold me up.

Today's mission, if I choose to accept it, is to do a little research on gardening. I am really excited to start my garden this year. That will definitely help occupy my mind. I am also going to the gym this evening. This will probably be my last work out with Amber for a while. That's very sad. She is such a driving force for me at the gym. We really push each other hard. "Friendly" competition! I think I will be switching to mornings for a while after this week. With no Lorraine or Amber, I think I will just get there early, push myself as hard as they would and then have the rest of the day to do what I need to do.

Tonight we get Tatum. This is the start of our new visitation. We will be getting her Thursday night through Saturday evening. One additional night. That's a start. Time goes by pretty quick having her around so that will be a nice diversion from life as well. Or a diversion in life, maybe. We are planning on going roller skating tomorrow - she is so excited....and, yes, I am too! I haven't roller skated since I was in grade school and I don't want to tell you how long ago that was (you can figure it out).

Now if I can just stay balanced...