Slippery Slope

STATUS: Slipping down into the muddy hole but holding on for dear life at the top!
MOOD: A bit down...in a funk

And here I go slipping downhill. I know this is only temporary and I will be back on track soon. I didn't see this coming...but, even though I am in a funk right now, I feel like my recovery process is coming along nicely.

Let's start from the beginning of the day to get all the boring details out of the way. I went to the gym this morning. My plan was to leave by 7 to get to the gym by 8 but that didn't go according to plan. I ended up at the gym (after stopping at the Circle K on Grant for tea and gas) until 8:30 AM. I was surprised I even made it by then! The traffic was horrible - ahhh, how soon I forget about the rush hour traffic since I don't do that drive every morning now.

I had a great workout! I was hoping to get another 15 minutes of cardio in at the end of my workout to get me to the 45 min cardio mark but my hour ran out. I did run hard, worked on biceps, triceps, butt and abs. I was sweating like a man so much so that, when I would breathe out hard, sweat beads would be blown into the wind!

I had to limit my workout time to an hour so that I could make it home and showered in time to meet my friend that I met when I was at A6. She was my last...I mean, only....client. We hit it off from the start. My previous boss always said we were like sisters when we would get together for meetings...always going off track to talk about things that were not relevant to the event at hand! I really like her. She is a little younger than me but still in the "30's" club. She has a really fun husband and a beautiful, blue eyed two year old son. Although we are not able to get together a lot, when we do we have a blast and it is always good to see her.

Our plan was to meet at the park up the road from me and have a picnic lunch. She is off from work on Tuesday's and Thursday's and usually takes her son to the park to play before nap time. I made pasta salad last night with feta and sundried tomatoes (Twila, I used some of that basil oil you got me...YUM) to take with me and was in charge of picking up some chips as well.

I got there right at 11 as planned - I was able to get completely ready in 30 minutes! I never knew that was possible but now I know. At first I didn't see her car and wasn't sure she was there but then I saw her pushing her son in the swing and headed up her way.

I must admit...and I didn't tell her (sorry if you are reading this Jill), but I did kinda think that she might be...but I wasn't for sure and I certainly wasn't going to ask. Sure enough! She had big news! She is pregnant! 12 weeks. She had a cute little bump but still looked thin and pretty as always. You know what??? I was genuinely happy for her. I was smiling and laughing with her and never once felt jealous or out of sorts.

I did tell her about my recent incident. She reminded me how she, too, had a miscarriage this time last year. Now, here is the kicker...I hate to say it but that made me feel even better about things. The people that I don't feel resentment towards or jealousy of are the ones who have been in my shoes. People who know the pain...the anger (which she definitely remembers). She, too, said that she couldn't be around other pregnant women. It was too hard. I related completely.

What was different is that she was in my shoes and now is in the shoes I hope to be in sometime this year. The other area that helped my mental state was that her experience isn't a rose garden. TTC (trying to conceive) hasn't been easy for them. So they had that to contend with as well.

Our picnic was great. Her son is absolutely the most handsome little boy I have ever seen and was so good the whole time! I couldn't believe how much he had grown since I saw him last October! Can you believe that was the last time I saw Jill? OMG. That's just way too long.

Anyway, everything went well and we went our separate ways around 1. I felt good that I had talked to a pregnant person without anger, I was able to talk about my m/c without crying and I genuinely felt happy for a friend. But, as I walked the wide open park full of beautiful "Kentucky style" grass to the parking lot where my car sat, I could feel what I feared would happen. My eyes started burning...stinging and then watering. I knew what was going to happen next. Yep, the waterfall. It wasn't real bad and I was still able to drive around it. There weren't any chest heaves or noises made. Just tears.

By the time I got home, fixed lunch for Todd and emptied the dishwasher, I felt like I had literally ran a Forrest Gump marathon. I was absolutely EXHAUSTED. I browsed around on the computer a while - mostly on my addicting message boards - to find some peace for my mind. There wasn't a whole lot going on in my noggin. I wasn't dwelling on anything in particular, I just felt like I couldn't hold my head up another second.

I am NOT a nap taker. I hate naps because I always feel even more tired after one. However, I didn't know what else to do. It was either lay down and close my eyes or fall down when they close on their own. So I did. I went into the bedroom and laid across the bed, half wrapped in the comforter. Of course Jazzy came to lay with me too.

I think, in an attempt to heal emotionally, my mind fought back the depression and tears as hard as it could for about a two or so hour span. That, along with reliving the situation all over again - not so much out loud, but in my head - I think it just took a toll. I was severely, mentally and emotionally exhausted.

As I layed on the bed with Jazzy curled up in my arms, I had a realization about my girl. She has been with me for about 13 years or so. She was my first pet away from home. She was the first baby for which I had complete responsibility. We have been each other's hero. When I found her, she was a small kitten...not so much small in height and age but in health. She was way too skinny and looked malnourished. Someone had dropped her off as the runt of the litter and drove away. Luckily they did so at a public farm where there were people and other animals around without many cars.

I saved her from eating seed and grub off the ground. She was a mess when I got her. She had horrible diarreah for years - her stomach is still ultra sensitive. But I took care of her and helped her become a strong girl.

Then, no sooner I got her to a healthy place, she saved my life. She was lying at the foot of my bed when the intruder broke into my home. I was asleep in the dark house. Because she gave a quick meow and jumped down, I was able to wake up in time to see the intruder at the foot of my bed with a flashlight. I won't go into details but this guy - we later found out - had raped many women in the neighborhood. I was very lucky and always felt that Jazzy was the one that saved me from that plight. Because she woke me up, I could scream at the top of my lungs and fight my way out from under the cover he was putting over my head. I had the advantage of being awake and having a fighting chance when most of the other women woke up to being tied down. I will ALWAYS be thankful to her for saving me.

She has seen me through many challenging times in my life. She has seen me laugh, cry, be angry and be stupid. She has seen it all - and she knows how to read me. She knows when I am sad or low, such as today, because she will stay close to me. When I went to lie down, she left the comfort of Tatum's bed to be with me. She cuddles closer to me when I am down and looks at me in my eyes. Speaking of the devil, she just jumped up on the desk next to me and sniffed my nose...

Of course Jackson is a comfort source as well and I don't want to leave him out. He's been with me only a year less than Jazz so he knows me very well too. I just was realizing Jazzy's keen sense while we were lying together earlier and felt that I had to express my thoughts.

I am starting to find my way out of this funk. It's coming a little slow but the thought of making tacos (my comfort food) in a bit is helping. And, even though I will be having beers with Amy tomorrow when she gets off work - which is cheating on Todd and I's "no drinks during the week" - I may cheat a little tonight and have a rum. Or maybe I won't. Undetermined at this point.

I can say that complete recovery may take time and may not ever be "completed". But I see Jill as a success story in my book. Not only did she have a m/c, she has gone on to become pregnant again and get through the first trimester scare. I truly am happy for her and hope that I can move to this level with Lauren as well. Time will tell.

Oh, and I am so happy about the inauguration today. I agree with Obama's campaign slogan...it IS time for a change...