Keep your hands and legs in the car at all times...

...while riding this ride!!

Well, I am back and ready to blog. I must warn you that my blog has taken a turn to cruel reality and it may not be pretty all the time. Kind of like me...I can throw a lot of makeup on my face, take an hour on my hair and put on an expensive outfit but that doesn't make me beautiful. Same with the blog. I will try and keep my harsh comments to myself but I promise the entries will be real...and that could be scary to some. Those who dig that kind of writing...ENJOY.

Well, let's catch us all up with the ride we call life. I warn you, this ride is for the strong stomached!

Towards the end of 2008, while we were celebrating the change of the tides with a new president elect and while Todd and I were still glowing from our incredible Australia trip, other life changing experiences were taking place in the dark..of me!

Yep, crazy as it may be...this 36 (at the time) year old woman who never wanted children was pregnant. At first it was surreal. I couldn't believe the chances of getting pregnant so quick after "trying" (I swear I hate that term but have nothing else to use at this time). I won't go into a lot of details about the symptoms leading up to the positive pregnancy test and I will probably not go into much detail regarding the excitement of telling Todd and the boyish grin and exciting glow that he displayed upon finding out. You get the idea.

I went from being really excited to being really scared to then being really ticked because I couldn't eat, drink or do what I had always done before carrying around this new entity. I will always feel guilty about feeling that way. The guilt consumes me sometimes. If I could have only been happy with what I had instead of being the spoiled brat I am. But, no use in dwelling on this right now. That could be an entire post in itself.

After Christmas, as we were traveling to Louisville, I started finding that I was allowing myself to be excited about the future. The apple seed, as Todd and I kept calling it (I was about 5 weeks and that is the size of it at that time), was becoming a reality to me and I found that I was becoming more accepting of the idea. So much so that I would occassionally touch my belly (it looked the same as always) and I almost spit out the mouthful of Starbucks hot chocolate when Todd told me there was caffeine in chocolate (caffeine is a no-no...well, after multiple texts to Linda, I discovered that in small doses it is ok).

Fast forward, needless to say, my family was very excited and did some really cool, touching things to acknowledge the "soon to be." That made me feel more excitement and it kept building until the night at my Grandparents. Yes, of all places, my Grandparents. That's when I started bleeding. I won't get into details but I knew something was wrong. After a few texts to Linda and more blood, it was pretty evident that I was having a miscarriage.

We had to cancel some cool plans with my Dad and SMom. We headed to my Mom's after stopping at Walgreens to get "supplies" that I didn't think I would need for another 8 months. I cried all the way there. I was feeling emotions that I really never thought I would...of course, how would I know I would feel these things. I wasn't expecting to have a miscarriage.

That night IT happened. It was painful - both mentally and physically - but, after that night, it was residual bleeding for a total of one week...to the day. It seems that my body passed everything naturally which, under the circumstances, I suppose is a good thing. It keeps me from having to endure a D&C or a D&E. However, through a message board that I have clung to for sanity, many women have to go through them. I feel lucky that I didn't have to have that happen.

So the pain lingers longer than I realized. The emotions are similar to someone close to you dying unexpectedly - extreme sadness, uncontrollable tears, anger then resentment. I am in the final two emotions at this time (sometimes falling back into the first two in certain situations). The hardest part is that there are pregnant people around me. One in Todd's family. His SIL is pregnant and it has really been hard on me. I am angry and resentful. And I don't know how to get out of this cycle. I feel much better not being around them but I know we will have to be together at some point. I don't want to feel this way - but I do. I hate myself for feeling it - but, through that message board I was talking about before, I have learned I am not the only one. I have been keeping my distance. Even deciding to refrain from looking at MySpace everyday - that was getting way too hard. So we will see how my emotions go from here and it should be quite exciting to see how this ride ends...

Once we returned home from Louisville we faced our next hill on the ride of life. My cat, Jasmine, was having urinary issues and stopped eating and drinking. After many visits to the vets and to the animal hospital, they determined it "undetermined" or feline lower urinary tract disease. Of course, after spending many, many dollar signs, we were told it could be recurring and would be something she would just need to deal with from time to time. Ummm, thanks.

Then, after a day out to watch the Steelers play (and win), as well as some beers and greasy bar food, we headed home. I was actually starting to feel like a "real" person - whatever that is. When we got home, I went to take Jazzy some wet food and couldn't find her in the guest room where she was "resting". I finally found her under the bed. I couldn't have been more afraid. Her eyes were moving radically from left to right. She was bobbing her head and looked like she was having a seizure or stroke. I yelled for Todd and he came up, lifted the bed and I scooped her out. Here we go again to the animal hospital.

They ended up keeping her overnight. I couldn't sleep all night. I was so upset. All the emotions that I thought were subsided from the miscarriage filled my heart and my eyes. I swear I couldn't imagine losing the apple seed and then losing my girl. Talk about having children. I have had Jasmine for 13 years of my life. I cannot imagine not having her (and that goes for Jackson and Kizzy too).

Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep that night. She ALWAYS sleeps next to me in bed and there was an obvious void. I was upset and livid angry that, once again, the poop hand decided to land on me. This is where I knew for sure that I could NOT be around happy, bouncy people that had such happy, bouncy lives. It certainly was going to take a lot of time to get there too.

The next day the specialist called me to let me know what their diagnosis of Jazzy was. He was afraid it could be a severe inner ear infection or a tumor. He wanted to do a CT Scan, Spinal, X Rays, etc. This all meant that Jazzy was going to have to be put under anesthesia. That alone made me nervous.

After the testing, they woke her up and called me. No tumor and no inner ear infection. We are to wait for the spinal fluid results. I was able to bring her home at 8 that night. I was so glad. But it was so sad to see her when I picked her up. She was scared, disoriented and they had shaved a square on the back of her head, a long area on her right leg and another small spot on her left leg. I could tell the right leg was really irritating her. She had licked it red. Her head was bobbing a lot and you could tell she was still pretty out of it from the anesthesia. I just wrapped her in the towel they had put her in and held her close to me all the way home. She leaned into me and I could tell that she was happy to be going home - no matter how disoriented she was.

Since that time, she has been recouping in the master bedroom. Kizzy has become very strange around her - hissing, growling, etc. We don't know what's going on (he never does that). But, as for Jazzy, she is eating and drinking again. We actually heard her pee twice last night so that is a great road to recovery. The doctor did call yesterday and said that, initial results of the spinal fluid is that there is some "inflamation" that isn't normal. He said that they wanted to wait until the final results at the end of the week to determine more. That's fine with me. I am just more than happy to have my girl home, eating, drinking, peeing and cuddling with me at night. For now, we are keeping Kizzy out of the room while we sleep to keep everyone (including Kizzy) calm.

In the meantime, I am hitting the gym again. Lorraine, my trainer, recently sustained a head injury from falling off her horse (ahhh, 2009 at it again). And, my friend Amber has been put on a different schedule so we won't be working out together anymore (for a while at least). So - no Lorraine for a month because of her injury and no Amber because of work. I am not so much worried about losing my motivation - I am more motivated than ever because I want to be in awesome shape when Todd and I "try" (uuugghhh, hate that term) again - but it just shows the craziness going on right now. And I will definitely miss my friends.

How am I? Where am I on the ride at this time? Heading down a straight away waiting for the next loop or hill. So far, I am not sure I like this ride but it is the only one in the park. I am hoping for a better '09 than the way it started. I would say "it could only get better" but that isn't all together true. Anything can happen at any time on this ride. I guess I should just really appreciate this small straight away I am on before the next scare.

But I am back...and I am committed to post daily. Especially since I won't be wasting my time and emotional energy on MySpace anymore. See you tomorrow...