Freeze Frame

What a day...a day of clarity. 

It started with a blog that I ran across of a woman who is pregnant - being induced tomorrow - with a baby boy who has terminal defects.  She has known this her entire pregnancy but decided to not terminate and meet her baby - no matter how that meeting might end.  And it was certain to end.  How devestating.  Even though I have never met her, I feel a compassion I cannot explain for a stranger dealing with such a dark time.

While T, Tay and I were trying to have dinner, H was fighting her late afternoon nap.  I can always tell by her specific cries and whines.  I took her into my arms and battled with her limbs to help her feel secure and tired enough to close her eyes and take her final cat nap.  She fell asleep in my arms, mouth wide open, body limp.  A sudden flood of emotions hit me and I felt myself tear up.  She has already grown so much in four months...before I know it, it will be a year, then ten years, then twenty.  I am already asking her...myself...where did the time go?  Where did my baby go? 

It made me realize that time is precious - more treasured than gold.  Instead of worrying about my extra few pounds or the crumbs on the kitchen floor, I should be taking more time looking into the face of our miracle.  Our baby girl.  Our baby growing up before our very eyes.  I need to remember what it feels like to hold her in my arms before she is too big to be held like a baby.  I need to remember the precious looks of love she shows me before she becomes a big girl and wants her independence.  I need to treasure the moments she wants me to hold her before she becomes a teen and wants me to "go away."  I need to cherish these moments before they are no longer here.  I need to take every minute of every day to realize how very lucky I am to be able to spend so much time with my baby girl. 

I was working on a slideshow for my Step-SIL's wedding tomorrow.  They passed along pictures of both her and her groom from the time they were babies until now.  It really affected me.  I thought about their mom's.  Wow.  How fast did that time seem to go?  It took all of about two hours to scan about 80 pictures of their life.  Did it feel like it went by that fast?  In one picture they were in diapers, the next they were adults.  Life goes by so quick, doesn't it?

I have said many times that I feel like time isn't flying by.  That I feel like I have known H for years!  But, really, it is going fast.  Four months ago today I was still pregnant.  And now look at my girl!  She is amazing, smart, in a routine and becoming such an awesome little person.  T made fun of me the other day at a restaurant when a couple brought in their newborn only a couple of weeks old or something.  I stared at that baby and remembered when H was that little.  I even said that to the couple after they asked me how old H was.  I said "three months but I remember when she was that little."  T was like, of course you do!  It was only three months ago.  But she seems so much older, so much bigger now.  But yet it was just yesterday.

I am going to try and stop sweating the small stuff.  I still want to get my fit body back and I want the house to be clean, laundry done.  But I am going to try and not obsess about it...about anything...other than the pleasures in life.  And H is definitely a pleasure that I intend on obsessing over!