TMI and some cursing (sorry parents - very hard day for me)

Well, because we had the m/c in December, I have decided that, when/if we ever get pg in the future, my lips are sealed until week 13 just to be safe. And, actually, that just makes you safeR. I have gotten to know many women out there who have had miscarriages and still borns all the way up to 30 weeks. But I will take my chances at 13 weeks.

Well, I guess I had my hopes up for this cycle that something would happen and we would be pg. Well, let's just say that the ol' bag showed her ugly face today and I am out for this month. The bad thing is, my girls started hurting like they did before. All of my 25 or so years of AF excitement, my girls have NEVER hurt before she arrived. Not even before this first cycle after my m/c. Well, they started hurting about 2 or 3 days ago. The night before last I couldn't even get comfortable because of it which reminded me a lot of mid-December when I experienced the pain.

Because, if I were to base it on my last AF start day, I wouldn't be "visited" until Friday, I thought this might be a good sign. Maybe the timing was just right and we would be pg. But today proved otherwise. Not only did she visit but she got here early. Thanks biatch.

I cried. And I cried hard. I worked out so hard that I almost puked on the treadmill. I was so mad at my body, my age, others around me in my life, and just the shit pile that seems to build higher. So tired of others being so fortunate and blissful while I deal with the crap called life. It never ceases to amaze me how backwards things are in life. People who are so young, are unstable financially/careerwise/mentally or otherwise, can go on and be pregnant or have children with ease while those who are older, wiser, are more stable and can offer a stay at home parent 24-7 takes a backseat. How in the WORLD does that work?

I mean, look at the crack whores that can have children. Or hood mamas that live off of food stamps and welfare that have 10 kids? How is this ok? The young 20 year old kids that have no idea how MUCH life changes as you move through the waves of 20's into the true adult years of 30s. How?? I mean, how??

I know, I may sound like I am overreacting. This is only the first cycle after m/c'ing and I shouldn't be so intense about the situation. I think that, only if you have a m/c can you possibly understand the feeling of failure and frustration. I know that there are many more cycles ahead of me that could possibly hold my future. But it just isn't good enough for me right now. Maybe it is because I always feel like I am competing for happiness against others (names not necessary at this time). Maybe it is because I am seeing more gray hair or because my face feels drier all of a sudden. Mayeb it is because I waited so long (it felt like forever) after m/c'ing to even ovulate again. I don't know the reason but this whole day has gone to hell in a hand basket. My saving grace is my wonderful husband, my awesome parents, my furbabies, my incredible girls on the message board going through the same crap, my bestest girls Amber and Amy, and a nice, cold Dos Equis Amber.

Today I wish so much that I could send my brain back in time when I didn't want children. Or even further back when I thought babies and young kids were loud, obnoxious and irritating. I would love to go back to when I was completely unsure of this whole baby thing so that I wouldn't obsess over it all the time. It doesn't help that pregnancy is in my face at every family function. Doesn't help at all. I don't want to want this so much. I don't want to obsess over every cycle, every ovulation and every two week wait. I don't want to worry about having another m/c. I don't want to worry about my eggs vs my age. I don't want to worry anymore. And, no matter how many times pregnant people tell me to "just not think about it. Don't stress about it. Just let it come natural, " it doesn't help at all!!!!! It is easy for them not to think about it because everything came easily for them. When you have a loss and another failed cycle at 37 years old words don't cut it!!!! Little 20 somethings that tell me that make me want to say "well, you have another 10 years to try so you don't have to stress about anything!!!! You're a pup!!!! Trust me, life will deliver you much larger blows before you are my age than just whether or not you can get pg."

Anyway, as you can tell, I am angry and heartbroken. Ridiculous? Yeah, maybe. But it is the reality of it. I know I will get over it and will be fine after another 3 or 4 beers. Or maybe it will be tomorrow that I will be over it. Either way, I will move on. No worries about getting any sort of big news next month. T will be out of town for the next two weeks.

See??? Life shouldn't be like this!!! Always analyzing the months and days because of cycles and whatnot. It should be much more relaxing. T says that I should know that others look at us and wish they had our lives. We do have it great. I am sitting here blogging about to go empty the dishwasher and plant my veggie seeds while he is making his last conference call FROM HOME today. We have a nice house, great kiddos (both furry and otherwise), financially secure, travel savvy, nice things, great love for each other, wisdom of the world, great (and hard) life experiences (so we know we can get through ANYTHING), and so much more.

Anyway, I know I sound bitter. And, maybe today I am. But I know I have a good life and I am grateful for that. But, as for the wishing on a necklace clasp, those days are over. Maybe, with enough failures every month, I will become hardened to it and will slip back into the mindset that I never want to have kids. That would make the disappointment easier.

But it would be a lie...